Training Camp Preview

Well, training camp is coming up, so it must be time for the 2010 NFL Preview. One of only 37 thousand million billion available to read online, and really what else are you going to do with your time? Reconnect with your estranged family? Do a set of sit-ups and cut down on the meat-lovers pizza? Fuck that.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills – Best known for finding new and exciting ways to lose football games for the past 10 years, the Bills have hired coaching legend Chan Gailey to lead them to a glorious 7-9 season, which will somehow be different from a 7-9 season under Dick Jauron. God I fucking hate being a Bills fan.

Miami Wildcats – Did you know that Miami uses a new and innovative offensive tactic called the Wildcat? I sure as shit haven’t heard that Miami runs the Wildcat 15 thousand fucking times. The over/under pool for how long it takes Brandon Marshall to get arrested for a hit and run is 5 weeks into the season.

New York Jets – Every dumbass on ESPN and other similar ilk has picked the Jets to win the Superbowl this year, so look for them to go 6-10. By Week 10 Rex Ryan will cry during a press conference and later that night, go into a cheeseburger coma. Because he is a fat fuck.

New England Tom Bradys –I hope Tom Brady dies from a flesh eating virus. I can’t wait for New England to return to glory days of Steve Grogan. I hate New England and their self-entitled, insufferable fans. May Boston sports teams not win another championship for a thousand years. Seriously though, fuck you guys.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – How old is Ray Lewis this year? 50? Oh well, its not like it matters, because Baltimore has a future star in Joe Flacco, which is a pretty awesome name I guess. Joe Flacco is also the only other person I know that plays for the Ravens, apart from Ray Lewis. I am a football expert.

Cincinnati Bengals – Best knows for having the ugliest fucking uniforms in the history of organized sports, the Bengals can be counted on for one thing: fucking up. Look for the Bengals to win 5 games and for Chad Ochocinco to complete his long journey to become Dennis Rodman and dress in drag.

Cleveland Browns – The Browns have Eric Mangini for a coach, and Jake “I’m old and throw the ball to the wrong team” Delhomme for a quarterback. I’ll skip the obvious “The Browns are shit” jokes, I’m trying to keep this preview professional.

Pittsburg Rapists – Ben Roethlisberger has had to resort to raping bitches, despite the fact that being an NFL quarterback is probably the best pussy magnet on the planet, or at least the good part of the planet (America). Maybe there’s some other bit of news I could report about the Steelers, I’m sure they probably drafted some new players or something, but why bother talking about that when Roethlisberger is out raping chicks?


AFC South

Houston Texans – Every year is supposed to be the year that the Texans finally make it the playoffs, and every year they come up short, and will continue to come up short until Manning retires and the Colts go back to sucking. Texan receiver Andre Johnson should probably be on suicide watch.

Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning is the greatest player to ever play any game ever, and he wants you to buy shit. Maybe if you purchase the product or service that Manning has endorsed, you will be great too.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Soon to be the Los Angeles Jaguars. Has anyone ever actually met a Jaguars fan? Of course not. Look for this team to have even less fans when the team moves to L.A. The NFL needs to learn for the fifth time that people from L.A. don’t give a shit about football.

Tennessee Titans - The Titans are like the opposite of the Bengals; every year they seem to overachieve. Having Vince Young as your quarterback ought to be a one-way ticket to a 2-14 season, but somehow the Titans manage to overcome. Look for Tennessee to ride Jeff Fisher’s mustache into the playoffs.

AFC West

Denver Broncos – These dumb fucks drafted Tim Tebow with a first round pick. They also have Josh McDaniels at coach, yet another branch from the Belichick tree. Funny thing about people who used to work under Belichick; not a single of them is any good. The Donks are fucked.

Kansas City Chiefs – Can anyone name someone who plays for the Chiefs besides Tony Gonzalez? Oh the Chiefs traded him? Well fuck. Kansas City is flyover country, anyway. No one gives a shit. The Chiefs will probably come out of nowhere and win the division but who cares?

Oakland Raiders – During a Raiders game I’d rather have the TV cameras pointed at the stands rather than the field. Raiders fans are better and more awesome, in every measurable quality, than the team they root for. They are also virgins. Every last one of them.

San Diego Chargers – Philip Rivers is hilarious. He looks like a good ole country boy raised on corn-bread and corn-holing. Every time he steps on the field, the Deliverance banjos start playing in my head, and I giggle like a retard. Nobody likes to watch football with me anymore.



NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Supposedly this is America’s team, but I haven’t met too many non-Texans who like the Cowboys. The Cowboys are more like the team foreigners root for because they haven’t heard of any other teams. Anyway, wasn’t Texas threatening to secede from the United States as recently as last year? Fuck you Cowboys, you aren’t American’s team, you’re barely even Mexico’s team.

New York Giants – Manning’s little brother also wants you to buy products and/or services, but most football experts agree that little Manning isn’t quite as good at salesmanship as elder Manning.

Philadelphia Eagles –If any team deserves to be America’s team, it’s the Eagles. Eagles are totally American. Philadelphia has the liberty bell. Liberty is just another word for freedom, and freedom is what America is all about. Eagles fans are also the biggest, loudest assholes in football, which is the most American thing I can think of.

Washington Redskins – In a stunning change of tactics, the Redskins overpaid for a truckload of overrated free agents this year. They also hired Mike Shanahan to coach, who may or may not suck, I don’t fucking know.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – A large burly team from the chilly Midwest, you can count on the Bears to keep you warm on those long, cold nights. Jay Cutler throws so many interceptions you’d think he’s playing for the other team.

Detroit Lions – They fucking suck. Now and forever.

Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers doesn’t seem like too much of a fuckup, so that’s cool, but something about the Packers just rubs me the wrong way. Did you know that the team is owned by the fans? What the fuck is that commie shit? The NFL has money to make damnit!

Minnesota Vikings – The home of running back Adrian Peterson. Sports announcers have decided that the correct way to pronounce “Peterson” is to have someone punch you in the solar plexus right as you say it. They are dumb as hell.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons –I don’t know enough about the Falcons to make fun of them, or their fans. I guess Matt Ryan looks like he’s no stranger to bathhouses. Yeah that’ll do.

Carolina Panthers – The entirety of Carolina’s defense is either injured or departed via free-agency. This is probably a blessing in disguise, because they sucked. The Panthers also lost Receiver Muhsin Muhammad to retirement. The only reason I know that is because Muhammad was on my fantasy football team. I suck at fantasy football.

New Orleans Saints – It’s hard to make fun of a team that won the Superbowl. I am a small man, and not up to the task. Plus New Orleans has taken enough shit, so they are off the hook. In closing I’d like to say that Drew Brees is ugly.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Hello sailor! Did you know that a Buccaneer is a French pirate? That alone would be easy enough to make gay jokes about, but it gets better. According to Wikipedia the French translation for Buccaneer means “one who smokes meat” The gay jokes write themselves, man!

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – The Cardinals have lost both Kurt Warner and Anquan Boldin in one year. A clash between titans Matt Leinart and Derek Anderson will determine who takes over at quarterback. This means that Arizona can go back to being safely ignored by football fans.

San Francisco 49ers – What are we on? The 9th year that Alex Smith is supposed to break out and not suck? Anyhow, I’m certain that this is the year that Alex Smith doesn’t suck. The long wait is over!

Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks have agreed to protect Pete Carroll from an NCAA investigation in exchange for coaching their team. I can foresee no possible way that this move could be an unmitigated disaster for the Seahawks, especially when one considers Carroll’s past success in the NFL.

St. Louis Rams – In recent years the Rams have achieved a Lionesque level of sucking. They even managed to draft higher than the Lions this year. Also I remember hearing a few months back that Rush Limbaugh wanted to buy the Rams. Being a Rams fan must fucking suck. The coach of the Rams should incorporate Mickey Rocke’s Ram Jam from The Wrestler into the playbook. That would be awesome.

Why I have hope for the Bills future.

I think enough of the dust has settled from the Bills front office shake up that we can step back and have a good look at what is likely in store for the Bills in the coming years.

To begin, the Bills have Buddy Nix and Doug Whaley as General Manager and Assistant General Manager respectively. Both men come from two of the most successful franchises in the past 10 years; the Chargers and the Steelers. Both franchises have been playoff fixtures for years, and Nix and Whaley have been partly responsible for this success. How much responsibility can be debated, but neither man was exactly working in the mailroom before coming to Buffalo. Nix and Whaley are both football men with football smarts. Given their past success it will be a surprise to me if Buffalo isn’t a contender in the next 3 to 4 years.

At coach the Bills have Chan Gailey, and a who-the-hell-are-they rogues gallery of assistant coaches. Gailey is an average at best coach, but its easier to competitive with an average coach and good players. Mike Tomlin is an average coach who won the Superbowl with good players. Marv Levy was an average coach with good players. Norv Turner is an average coach with good players. Brad Childress is an average coach with good players. The list goes on and on. The point is you merely need a competent coach, and Gailey seems to be competent. To succeed, players are more important than coaches. Where to the Bills get good players? That’s up to Nix and Whaley and the rest of the scouting department. For now, I trust Nix and Whaley.

So lets look at the players The Bills have decided to switch from a 4-3 to a 3-4 defense. Brad Butler retired after a mere four years in football, and its clear that the quarterback of the future is not currently on the Bills roster. In short the Bills have a whole host of player needs. Nose tackle, Offensive tackle, Linebacker, Quarterback, probably Defensive End. This is a bit of a blessing in disguise, the roster needs a complete overhaul, but its needed to be overhauled for years. The switch in defense and Butler’s retirement have forced an overhaul. The Bills roster under Jauron played just well enough that a fan could think “Well maybe if they had a few more breaks they might have gone to the playoffs”. But the truth was the teams under Jauron weren’t ever anything but below average. They were a below average squad that looked average and so there was never a major roster shake up. The coming overhaul will allow the Bills to start with a clean slate, and again I believe Nix and Whaley will use that slate to paint a much nicer picture than Donahue, Levy, or Brandon ever could.

I expect 2010 will be an ugly season for the Bills, the first year of a major team overhaul is rarely pretty, but I also expect a much improved Bills team in 2011 and beyond.

Bills vs Colts Week 17

Final Score Bills - 30 Colts - 7

It cost the Bills a better draft position, but at least they started the new decade on the right foot. The Bills turned in a dominate effort on both offense and defense on their first game of 2010. It may have been against the Colt’s second stringers but beggars can’t be choosers.

Forget any of the negative details, there was actually a lot of like in this game. The Bills played well in the snow and cold, something the fans love to see. Buffalo teams that can’t play in the cold are weak and are of questionable moral fortitude. Fred Jackson, the ultimate underdog not only rushed for over 200 yards, but posted 1,000 yards on the season. Just a few days ago, the Bills choose a new general manager Buddy Nix. Nix helped build the current San Diego Chargers, so there’s a good chance that he won’t suck. That’s all we ask as Bills fans these days; just don’t suck. The Bills have a lot of work to do... Here’s to the 10's being better than the 00's!

I didn’t post anything about last week’s game because I was sick with a stomach bug, and watching the Bills lose 31-3 probably would have just made me sicker.

Since we’re at the end of the Bills season, posting on this blog is going to become a lot more sporadic. I might do a few Sabres updates when it feels appropriate, but its definitely off-season as of...now!

Thanks for reading.

Bills vs Patriots Week 15

Final Score Bills – 10 Tom Bradys - 17

The Buffalo Bills have lost to the New England Tom Bradys. In other news fish still swim in the sea, there is conflict in the Middle East and corruption in Washington. Tom Brady is still a prima-donna cry-bitch. The Bills have no offensive line or quarterback, same old, same old.

At least there was a moment of comedy in this comedy of errors. Ryan Fitzpatrick was playing poorly for the past couple quarters…I mean games...I mean his whole career…Anyway Ryan was pulled from the game and former starting quarterback Trent Edwards returned triumphantly to the field. Trent played 3 downs, completed one pass for negative one yard and left the game with an in juried ankle. If there was ever a metaphor for the Bill’s woes at quarterback this was it.

I’ve reached the last stage of grieving this season; acceptance. I’m not at all disappointed that the Bills lost this game. What would winning have accomplished at this point? The Bills would have gotten a lower draft pick, the chances that there would changes in the Bills front office would have substantially dropped. The victory would have been hollow. When the Bills finally beat New England again, I want it to be in game that decides which team wins the division, or which team goes to the playoffs. I want a victory important enough for the fans to rush the field and take the goal posts down. I want a victory that will make up for six seasons of defeat, not some empty moral victory after the season is a wash. Nope, in contrast to the heart crushing, hair tearing last second defeat which should have been a historical victory for Buffalo at the start of the 2009 season, I watched this game with mild interest at best.

The news out of 1 Bills Drive is that there will be some turnover in the front office shortly after Christmas. Tom Modrak and John Guy should have fired several seasons ago. Will they finally get coal and pink slip in their stockings? We’ll see.

The Sabres

The Sabres gathered 5 points in 4 games last week, falling only to the Sabre kryptonite Ottawa Senators. The Sabres even managed to take the Penguins into overtime with Lalime of all people in net. They might have won that game with Miller in net, but that goes without saying at this point.

I’m not sure what the deal is with Ottawa, no matter how good the Sabres are and how bad the Senators are, the Sabres struggle against them. Is it psychological at this point? Do the Sabres just write these games off as a loss? I understand there was some illness running through the team the night they played the Senators which, granted is a viable excuse. The talent gap between the Senators and Sabres isn’t huge but I’d still say the Sabres are the better team. The Sabres are running out of ways to lose against the Senators. I hope they run out ways to lose fast because there’s a fair chance these two teams will be meeting in the playoffs this year.

Bills vs Chiefs Week 14

Final Score Bills - 16 Chiefs 10

Is this what a Buffalo Bills win feels like?

Low scoring and an incompetent offense? Check.

Poor run defense? Check.

The same old story for the season. Against Kansas City the Bills turned in an uninspired win. Rather that dominating an opponent defensively, or running through an opponent offensively, the Bills won simply by fucking up slightly less than the other team. The Bills won this game the same way a kid wins an art contest for 8 year olds; someone may have won but the picture they drew still sucks.

Coach Fewell is 2-2 as a head coach, the obvious question is will he be the Bills coach next season or are the Bills still committed bringing in a proven winner like Shanahan or Cowher? History indicates the Bills will go the cheap route. Prove me wrong Ralph Wilson. Please, please please prove me wrong. Also since you’re reading this can I have some money? Oh right…the cheap route.

Ok, lets put on our tinfoil hats and address the situation with the unbeaten Colts and Saints. A number of people have starting to dream of a Colts-Saints Superbowl in which both teams, still unbeaten square off. Since the NFL is ridged, (remember; tinfoil hats) I predict a different scenario. The problem with the Colt-Saints Superbowl is there isn’t an underdog. Here’s what will happen. Either the Colts or the Saints will face a wildcard playoff team from the opposing conference that peaked talent-wise at the best possible moment. Think the 2008 Giants or the 2006 Steelers. Now we have the unbeaten juggernaut vs the scrappy underdog, now we have a classic Superbowl. I’m thinking we’ll see Colts vs Packers (again; tinfoil hats)

The Sabres

This past week the Sabres beat the Capitals and the Blackhawks, two of the top teams in hockey. They even managed to beat the Blackhawks with Lalime in net. What does this mean? Are the Sabres an elite team? This past Friday I went to see the band Nico Vega. Walking from the concert I found out the Sabres had won because I was walking behind some Blackhawk fans and being drunk and loud, I could hear their conversation. The drunken Chicago fans I called the Sabres an elite team. Should we believe the drunks? I’m not ready to call the Sabres elite yet, but they’re pretty damn good.

Bills vs Jets Week 13

Final Score Bills - 13 Jets - 19

Ah yes there’s the Bills I know and love, the defense which can be counted on to give up 19 yards on a 3^rd and 15. The offense that can’t convert 3^rd downs no matter how long or short. The team that hangs around until the final minutes of the 4^th quarter only to end up blowing their last chance to win the game. Mighty Casey has a better chance of hitting a homerun than the ’09 Bills have of mounting a 4^th quarter comeback.

At least now delusional Bills fans can quit dreaming up the scenarios in which the Bills go 9-7 and stumble their way into the playoffs with the help of about 5 other teams losing just the right games. The Bills are going 5-11. 4-12 if the Colts don’t rest their starters for the playoffs.

I know it will never happen because Fewell is coaching to win, hoping to land another coaching gig, but I think the Bills should sit Terrell Owens and play James Hardy and Steve Johnson. We need to see if either of these receivers can be full time starters next year. The same goes for defensive end Chris Ellis, sit Ryan Denny and put Ellis in, see what he can do.

I watched the game in Kelly’s sports bar http://www.kellysnyc.com/ this week. Kelly’s is a hangout for displaced Buffalo natives and had both the Sabres and the Bills games on TV. It turned out to be a study in contrasts, the Sabres spanked the Canadians up and down the ice, meanwhile, the Bills got spanked in Canada.

I could have easily watched the game at home but I prefer to watch sports in the company of lots of other fans, especially in a bar. I love the characters, the loud drunk who shouts insightful coaching tips at the TV such as “Score a touchdown you fucks!” Thanks man, apparently carrying the ball across the goal line yields points in the game of football. I’ve learned something new today. I also love the angry lesbian hockey fan. Her response to a hockey fight: “Fucking kill him, make him bleed!” When the Sabres make the playoffs this year and whenever the Bills make it back to the playoffs, I’m going to a Buffalo bar to watch the game. Watching at home may be more convenient, but its more fun to live and die with a crowd of other fans

Bills vs Dolphins Week 12

Final Score Bills - 31 Dolphins - 14

No matter the state of the Bills, whether they are playoff bound or fighting for the first pick of the upcoming draft, it’s always sweet to beat the Dolphins. Even sweeter is when the Bills dominate the Dolphins by 17 points.

At this point, I’d argue that the New England Tom Bradys are the Bills’ bigger rival, but for the Bills fans, the Dolphins will always be enemy number one. The Dolphins owned our collective asses in the 70’s and 80’s, and during the 90’s the Bills turned it around and knocked the Dolphins out during the playoffs at nearly every turn. Even the cities are practically on different planets. Buffalo is cold, blue collar and Labatt Blue drinking. Miami is hot and full of beach bums and off-shore cocaine deals. This is the stuff rivalries are made of.

Two weeks under coach Fewell, and two weeks in a row that the Bills have played with some fire, they played to win and this time came out on top in convincing fashion. Do the Bills need a shake down of the front office? Without question; yes. Do the Bills need a coach change? Maybe. I’d still love to have Shanahan coaching the Bills next year, but it’s starting to look like it’d be a shame to lose Fewell, and Shanahan would almost certainly want to bring in his own defensive coordinator. When Fewell was promoted to head coach he said that, under him the Bills would play like hell to win. It seems Fewell is coaching like hell to stay head coach.

I doubt it needs to be said again for the 100^th time but Trent Edwards is done in Buffalo, and probably done as a starting quarterback. He’ll be a solid second stringer and that’s it. Speaking of position changes, Fred Jackson has no business being anything other than the starting running back for the rest of the season. Lynch may not be done in Buffalo but he’s sure playing like it.

Finally who’s this guy wearing number 81, and where was he during the first half of the season?

Some Other Games

The New England Tom Bradys got spanked by the future Super Bowl winner Saints, Once again always entertaining.

The Steelers defense is decidedly average without Troy Polomoomoo-coo-coo-ka-chu. He and his hair should retroactively named defensive MVP for the past two years.

The Sabres

After losing 4 games in a row, the Sabres have notched 3 wins although only 1 was against a quality team. Miller is probably going to single handedly carry the team into the playoffs. Behind Miller is a piece of Swiss cheese in a hockey mask though, the Sabres need to get a quality backup before the trade deadline.