Training Camp Preview

Well, training camp is coming up, so it must be time for the 2010 NFL Preview. One of only 37 thousand million billion available to read online, and really what else are you going to do with your time? Reconnect with your estranged family? Do a set of sit-ups and cut down on the meat-lovers pizza? Fuck that.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills – Best known for finding new and exciting ways to lose football games for the past 10 years, the Bills have hired coaching legend Chan Gailey to lead them to a glorious 7-9 season, which will somehow be different from a 7-9 season under Dick Jauron. God I fucking hate being a Bills fan.

Miami Wildcats – Did you know that Miami uses a new and innovative offensive tactic called the Wildcat? I sure as shit haven’t heard that Miami runs the Wildcat 15 thousand fucking times. The over/under pool for how long it takes Brandon Marshall to get arrested for a hit and run is 5 weeks into the season.

New York Jets – Every dumbass on ESPN and other similar ilk has picked the Jets to win the Superbowl this year, so look for them to go 6-10. By Week 10 Rex Ryan will cry during a press conference and later that night, go into a cheeseburger coma. Because he is a fat fuck.

New England Tom Bradys –I hope Tom Brady dies from a flesh eating virus. I can’t wait for New England to return to glory days of Steve Grogan. I hate New England and their self-entitled, insufferable fans. May Boston sports teams not win another championship for a thousand years. Seriously though, fuck you guys.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – How old is Ray Lewis this year? 50? Oh well, its not like it matters, because Baltimore has a future star in Joe Flacco, which is a pretty awesome name I guess. Joe Flacco is also the only other person I know that plays for the Ravens, apart from Ray Lewis. I am a football expert.

Cincinnati Bengals – Best knows for having the ugliest fucking uniforms in the history of organized sports, the Bengals can be counted on for one thing: fucking up. Look for the Bengals to win 5 games and for Chad Ochocinco to complete his long journey to become Dennis Rodman and dress in drag.

Cleveland Browns – The Browns have Eric Mangini for a coach, and Jake “I’m old and throw the ball to the wrong team” Delhomme for a quarterback. I’ll skip the obvious “The Browns are shit” jokes, I’m trying to keep this preview professional.

Pittsburg Rapists – Ben Roethlisberger has had to resort to raping bitches, despite the fact that being an NFL quarterback is probably the best pussy magnet on the planet, or at least the good part of the planet (America). Maybe there’s some other bit of news I could report about the Steelers, I’m sure they probably drafted some new players or something, but why bother talking about that when Roethlisberger is out raping chicks?


AFC South

Houston Texans – Every year is supposed to be the year that the Texans finally make it the playoffs, and every year they come up short, and will continue to come up short until Manning retires and the Colts go back to sucking. Texan receiver Andre Johnson should probably be on suicide watch.

Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning is the greatest player to ever play any game ever, and he wants you to buy shit. Maybe if you purchase the product or service that Manning has endorsed, you will be great too.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Soon to be the Los Angeles Jaguars. Has anyone ever actually met a Jaguars fan? Of course not. Look for this team to have even less fans when the team moves to L.A. The NFL needs to learn for the fifth time that people from L.A. don’t give a shit about football.

Tennessee Titans - The Titans are like the opposite of the Bengals; every year they seem to overachieve. Having Vince Young as your quarterback ought to be a one-way ticket to a 2-14 season, but somehow the Titans manage to overcome. Look for Tennessee to ride Jeff Fisher’s mustache into the playoffs.

AFC West

Denver Broncos – These dumb fucks drafted Tim Tebow with a first round pick. They also have Josh McDaniels at coach, yet another branch from the Belichick tree. Funny thing about people who used to work under Belichick; not a single of them is any good. The Donks are fucked.

Kansas City Chiefs – Can anyone name someone who plays for the Chiefs besides Tony Gonzalez? Oh the Chiefs traded him? Well fuck. Kansas City is flyover country, anyway. No one gives a shit. The Chiefs will probably come out of nowhere and win the division but who cares?

Oakland Raiders – During a Raiders game I’d rather have the TV cameras pointed at the stands rather than the field. Raiders fans are better and more awesome, in every measurable quality, than the team they root for. They are also virgins. Every last one of them.

San Diego Chargers – Philip Rivers is hilarious. He looks like a good ole country boy raised on corn-bread and corn-holing. Every time he steps on the field, the Deliverance banjos start playing in my head, and I giggle like a retard. Nobody likes to watch football with me anymore.



NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – Supposedly this is America’s team, but I haven’t met too many non-Texans who like the Cowboys. The Cowboys are more like the team foreigners root for because they haven’t heard of any other teams. Anyway, wasn’t Texas threatening to secede from the United States as recently as last year? Fuck you Cowboys, you aren’t American’s team, you’re barely even Mexico’s team.

New York Giants – Manning’s little brother also wants you to buy products and/or services, but most football experts agree that little Manning isn’t quite as good at salesmanship as elder Manning.

Philadelphia Eagles –If any team deserves to be America’s team, it’s the Eagles. Eagles are totally American. Philadelphia has the liberty bell. Liberty is just another word for freedom, and freedom is what America is all about. Eagles fans are also the biggest, loudest assholes in football, which is the most American thing I can think of.

Washington Redskins – In a stunning change of tactics, the Redskins overpaid for a truckload of overrated free agents this year. They also hired Mike Shanahan to coach, who may or may not suck, I don’t fucking know.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – A large burly team from the chilly Midwest, you can count on the Bears to keep you warm on those long, cold nights. Jay Cutler throws so many interceptions you’d think he’s playing for the other team.

Detroit Lions – They fucking suck. Now and forever.

Green Bay Packers – Aaron Rodgers doesn’t seem like too much of a fuckup, so that’s cool, but something about the Packers just rubs me the wrong way. Did you know that the team is owned by the fans? What the fuck is that commie shit? The NFL has money to make damnit!

Minnesota Vikings – The home of running back Adrian Peterson. Sports announcers have decided that the correct way to pronounce “Peterson” is to have someone punch you in the solar plexus right as you say it. They are dumb as hell.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons –I don’t know enough about the Falcons to make fun of them, or their fans. I guess Matt Ryan looks like he’s no stranger to bathhouses. Yeah that’ll do.

Carolina Panthers – The entirety of Carolina’s defense is either injured or departed via free-agency. This is probably a blessing in disguise, because they sucked. The Panthers also lost Receiver Muhsin Muhammad to retirement. The only reason I know that is because Muhammad was on my fantasy football team. I suck at fantasy football.

New Orleans Saints – It’s hard to make fun of a team that won the Superbowl. I am a small man, and not up to the task. Plus New Orleans has taken enough shit, so they are off the hook. In closing I’d like to say that Drew Brees is ugly.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Hello sailor! Did you know that a Buccaneer is a French pirate? That alone would be easy enough to make gay jokes about, but it gets better. According to Wikipedia the French translation for Buccaneer means “one who smokes meat” The gay jokes write themselves, man!

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – The Cardinals have lost both Kurt Warner and Anquan Boldin in one year. A clash between titans Matt Leinart and Derek Anderson will determine who takes over at quarterback. This means that Arizona can go back to being safely ignored by football fans.

San Francisco 49ers – What are we on? The 9th year that Alex Smith is supposed to break out and not suck? Anyhow, I’m certain that this is the year that Alex Smith doesn’t suck. The long wait is over!

Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks have agreed to protect Pete Carroll from an NCAA investigation in exchange for coaching their team. I can foresee no possible way that this move could be an unmitigated disaster for the Seahawks, especially when one considers Carroll’s past success in the NFL.

St. Louis Rams – In recent years the Rams have achieved a Lionesque level of sucking. They even managed to draft higher than the Lions this year. Also I remember hearing a few months back that Rush Limbaugh wanted to buy the Rams. Being a Rams fan must fucking suck. The coach of the Rams should incorporate Mickey Rocke’s Ram Jam from The Wrestler into the playbook. That would be awesome.