Final Score Steelers - 17 Bills - Crushed hopes and dreams
Today, as I sat watching the Bills game wearing my best tinfoil hat, I came to a startling revelation. If I transposed the positive and negative brain conducting nodes, on the previously mentioned tinfoil hat, I found that I could read Dick Jauron’s thoughts! I have good news to report: It’s all an illusion! The ineffective first team offense, the non improvement in the pass rush, the clusterfuck of an offensive line (they’re so bad its offensive DURR HURR!). It’s all for show, its all a scheme to throw Belichick and the Patriots* off their game in two weeks. It’s brilliant really, Jauron will have Belichick thinking that Bills will be another pushover team this year. Only this year Belichick won’t know what hit him!
Here’s what I was able to scan from Jauron’s brain before I lost the signal due to CIA interference:
- Trent Edwards is actually a terminator-style cyborg programmed to be the ultimate quarterback. He’s been adjusted to operate at a mere 16.3% effectiveness so as not arouse suspicion. Cyber-Trent will be fully operational after preseason has concluded.
- Every member of the offensive line has been mentally conditioned to be perfect killing machines. Their training will be subliminally activated by the sight of the Patriots* logo. Special precautions have been taken to avoid premature triggering.
- Aaron Maybin is actually the result of a centuries long breeding program designed to produce a flawless defensive end. The legendary Kwisatz Sack-erach.
...Hey us Bills fans have to tell ourselves something right?
Ok enough of that, lets get down to the game. Here what I thought:
-It must be nice to be a Steelers fan. Whenever the Steeler’s offense is facing a 3rd and 10, everyone knows what’s going to happen: 13 yard pass complete to Hanes Ward off a slant route.
-I know its preseason, and I know its against one of, if not the best defense in the league. But the Bills offense looks terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad. The Bills offense looks like a damn Pee-Wee league against the Steelers. There was only one First Down by the Bills first time offense. ONE FUCKING FIRST DOWN. That is just flat out pathetic.
-Jauron, its called a 3-4 defense, you’ve got a background in defense, and you’re from fucking Yale, you should be smart enough to figure out how to attack a 3-4 defense. As a so called defensive expert, you should know the weaknesses of a defense. Figure it out and figure it out quick Yalie. The Bills front office may be too clueless to fire you, but the good citizens of Buffalo just might come knocking on your door with the pitchforks and torches soon.
-The Bills might have an above average defense. There’s a chance the Bills could ride the defense to a couple 13-10 wins. But its going to take a major reversal by the offense for the Bills to have a chance of going .500 let alone make the playoffs. In the meantime I need to deal with my depression. I think I’ll go fill my bathtub with Labatt Blue and drown myself.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Bills vs Packers - Preseason
Final Score Bills 21 - Packers 31
I didn’t watch this game live. A good friend is moving to Colorado and Saturday night was the going away party. Sending a friend off in style (i.e with numerous and various drinks) is a bit more important than watching the Bills lose a preseason game. My impressions of the game will therefore be generalized and vague.
Part of being a Bills fans is overreacting with every win and loss, and this was one ugly loss. Based off this one loss, I’m sure the Bills won’t win more than 4 games this year. Yet, if the Bills beat the Steelers next week; I’ll be convinced that the Bills can’t lose more than 4 games this year. This is the emotional roller coaster that Bills fans are stuck on.
The general consensus is that Packers had at least half a game plan for this game and the Bills were in a pure vanilla mode. There is some debate as to if teams should game plan for preseason games. On one hand teams don’t want to revel to much of what their plans might be for the year, thus making it easier to counter those plans. On the other hand, practicing beyond the basics leads to better execution of plays during the regular season. I’m going to lie and say I know which approach is better than the other, but I do know that game planing beat vanilla mode 98% of the time.
I’m concerned that the Bills starting offense has yet to score a touchdown this year. As John Madden might say: “The team that scores the most point is usually the team that wins the game”. Thus, scoring touchdowns is generally more important than field goals. Now, I’ve shouted at my TV on numerous occasions that a touchdown is worth, on average 3 more points than a field goal, but clearly I have not been shouting loud enough because neither the Bills starting offense nor the coaching staff hast gotten the message.
As for the coaching staff, its pretty much common knowledge that if Jauron doesn’t produce a winning team this season he’s going to be looking for a new job. I wonder if Jauron, Yale graduate that he is, is smart enough to know that he needs to change his coaching style to get the playoffs. Jauron’s style will take a 3-13 team and turn it into a competitive 7-9 team, but he doesn’t seem to be able to make the leap from average to great, or even good.
I didn’t watch this game live. A good friend is moving to Colorado and Saturday night was the going away party. Sending a friend off in style (i.e with numerous and various drinks) is a bit more important than watching the Bills lose a preseason game. My impressions of the game will therefore be generalized and vague.
Part of being a Bills fans is overreacting with every win and loss, and this was one ugly loss. Based off this one loss, I’m sure the Bills won’t win more than 4 games this year. Yet, if the Bills beat the Steelers next week; I’ll be convinced that the Bills can’t lose more than 4 games this year. This is the emotional roller coaster that Bills fans are stuck on.
The general consensus is that Packers had at least half a game plan for this game and the Bills were in a pure vanilla mode. There is some debate as to if teams should game plan for preseason games. On one hand teams don’t want to revel to much of what their plans might be for the year, thus making it easier to counter those plans. On the other hand, practicing beyond the basics leads to better execution of plays during the regular season. I’m going to lie and say I know which approach is better than the other, but I do know that game planing beat vanilla mode 98% of the time.
I’m concerned that the Bills starting offense has yet to score a touchdown this year. As John Madden might say: “The team that scores the most point is usually the team that wins the game”. Thus, scoring touchdowns is generally more important than field goals. Now, I’ve shouted at my TV on numerous occasions that a touchdown is worth, on average 3 more points than a field goal, but clearly I have not been shouting loud enough because neither the Bills starting offense nor the coaching staff hast gotten the message.
As for the coaching staff, its pretty much common knowledge that if Jauron doesn’t produce a winning team this season he’s going to be looking for a new job. I wonder if Jauron, Yale graduate that he is, is smart enough to know that he needs to change his coaching style to get the playoffs. Jauron’s style will take a 3-13 team and turn it into a competitive 7-9 team, but he doesn’t seem to be able to make the leap from average to great, or even good.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Bills vs Bears - Preseason
Final Score Bills - 27 Bears -20
The second Bills pre-season game is said and done, and we got our second, albeit brief look at the first team no-huddle offense. The no huddle offense looks decent and it was good to see the first team offense get at least a full quarter of practice in. Sometimes I forgot why more teams don’t run the no huddle offense. They I remember that if your no huddle offense isn’t clicking they’ll be off the field in less than a minute, essentially making your defense run a damn marathon every week. Thankfully there was only two 3 and outs that I noticed.
Here are my impressions:
-Trent Edward looks good. He completed 100% of his passes and threw it 10 times. Not to mince words but that’s fucking good. The only knock against him this game was he wasn’t able to put it in the endzone. We’ll see if that improves with game planing.
-The Offensive line looks better but they still don’t look great or even good. However, Eric Wood looks like the real deal. He’s the kind of guard that likes to break a Defensive End’s legs and laugh about it. Eric Wood is a professional bad-ass and he’s still just a rookie. In 3 or 4 years I think the Bills will be able to run behind Wood at will. I can see it now. The Bills Quarterback will look over the opposing defense and shout “Hey, we’re running through the B gap, try and stop it.”And then Wood puts another Strong-side linebacker on injured reserve after a 5 yard gain.
-Even though it was against the second team defense, Ryan Fitzpatrick looks better than I thought he would be. He’s not a physically gifted quarterback, but he is smart, and running the no huddle allows him to use his head to beat defenses instead of his arm.
-Aaron Maybin can’t get signed fast enough. It remains to be seen if Maybin is the answer to the Bills piss poor pass rush, but its pretty obvious that Chris Kelsay isn’t the answer The man makes every Offensive Tackle he goes against look like Anthony Muñoz. Somewhat related; Defensive End Chris Ellis is making a strong case for playing time during the regular season.
-Leodis McKelvin was a great draft pick. He looks ready to be an interception machine, especially because McKelvin is probably going to face more passes with McGee shutting down the other side of the field.
-Am I crazy or do the Bills suddenly know how to defend the run?
Hope springs eternal in August and September, especially for Bills fans. Right now, at least the Bills gave their fans a reason to hope beyond blind fan loyalty.
The second Bills pre-season game is said and done, and we got our second, albeit brief look at the first team no-huddle offense. The no huddle offense looks decent and it was good to see the first team offense get at least a full quarter of practice in. Sometimes I forgot why more teams don’t run the no huddle offense. They I remember that if your no huddle offense isn’t clicking they’ll be off the field in less than a minute, essentially making your defense run a damn marathon every week. Thankfully there was only two 3 and outs that I noticed.
Here are my impressions:
-Trent Edward looks good. He completed 100% of his passes and threw it 10 times. Not to mince words but that’s fucking good. The only knock against him this game was he wasn’t able to put it in the endzone. We’ll see if that improves with game planing.
-The Offensive line looks better but they still don’t look great or even good. However, Eric Wood looks like the real deal. He’s the kind of guard that likes to break a Defensive End’s legs and laugh about it. Eric Wood is a professional bad-ass and he’s still just a rookie. In 3 or 4 years I think the Bills will be able to run behind Wood at will. I can see it now. The Bills Quarterback will look over the opposing defense and shout “Hey, we’re running through the B gap, try and stop it.”And then Wood puts another Strong-side linebacker on injured reserve after a 5 yard gain.
-Even though it was against the second team defense, Ryan Fitzpatrick looks better than I thought he would be. He’s not a physically gifted quarterback, but he is smart, and running the no huddle allows him to use his head to beat defenses instead of his arm.
-Aaron Maybin can’t get signed fast enough. It remains to be seen if Maybin is the answer to the Bills piss poor pass rush, but its pretty obvious that Chris Kelsay isn’t the answer The man makes every Offensive Tackle he goes against look like Anthony Muñoz. Somewhat related; Defensive End Chris Ellis is making a strong case for playing time during the regular season.
-Leodis McKelvin was a great draft pick. He looks ready to be an interception machine, especially because McKelvin is probably going to face more passes with McGee shutting down the other side of the field.
-Am I crazy or do the Bills suddenly know how to defend the run?
Hope springs eternal in August and September, especially for Bills fans. Right now, at least the Bills gave their fans a reason to hope beyond blind fan loyalty.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Bills vs Titans - Hall of Fame Game
Final Score Bills - 18 Titans - 21
Here we are, the start of another Bills season. Ok fine, its only preseason but I’ll take it. It’s been 9 long months since the last Bills game I saw. The Bills lost that game while I sat in the nose bleed section of the Ralph while the four thousand mile an hour December winds bent the goal posts and removed any chance of feeling warm until springtime.
The real season doesn’t start for another month, but preseason games are a passable appetizer before the main course arrives. It gives the armchair coaches a chance to watch undrafted rookies, swear that a rookie is the next Andre Reed, and later condemn the Bills front office for cutting them. The fact that the same rookies later spend 2 years on the Steelers’ practice squad is rarely noticed by the armchair coaches. That said, here are my thoughts on the first Bills game of 2009, and yes my opinions are far more accurate that the average armchair coach. Why you may ask? Shut up, that’s why.
Here are my impressions:
The offensive line? It looks like shit. In the first series I didn’t see one hole for Lynch or Jackson. I saw guards getting shoved into Edwards, and Edwards having no time to throw. They improved a bit by the second quarter. They have a little over a month to get themselves together. If they can’t; stock up on Labatt Blue, Bills Fans because its going to be a looong season, and developing a drinking problem is the only thing that’s going to ease the pain
The pass rush also looks like shit, but better than the offensive line. The Tennessee quarterbacks didn’t have all the time in the world to throw, but there was only 1 sack, and it was by the third stringers. The run defense looks slightly above average, which is an improvement.
If Reggie Corner keeps playing strong he could sneak into the nickel corner position.
Sorry Roscoe but you’re just not a big time receiver. If you can’t beat press coverage from a second string 5 foot 9 corner. You shouldn’t be starting. Hope you enjoy returning punts and playing in 4 receiver sets, shorty.
I don’t know who Bruce Hall is and I’m not going to bother looking him up. If you drop one punt in the preseason when you’re not an established starter, you probably never will be a starter.
I could not be less interested in what Tony Dungy thinks about Michael Vick. Which team of production monkeys okayed that 6 minute meandering muddle?
When I found out that Chris Mortensen’s son playing quarterback for the Titans I jokingly said to my girlfriend that it would be funny to cut to Chris’ reaction if his son fucked up. A few plays later Little Mortensen threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown, and lo and behold, the cameras actually cut to Mortensen shaking his head in disgust. I almost fell off my chair laughing.
Here we are, the start of another Bills season. Ok fine, its only preseason but I’ll take it. It’s been 9 long months since the last Bills game I saw. The Bills lost that game while I sat in the nose bleed section of the Ralph while the four thousand mile an hour December winds bent the goal posts and removed any chance of feeling warm until springtime.
The real season doesn’t start for another month, but preseason games are a passable appetizer before the main course arrives. It gives the armchair coaches a chance to watch undrafted rookies, swear that a rookie is the next Andre Reed, and later condemn the Bills front office for cutting them. The fact that the same rookies later spend 2 years on the Steelers’ practice squad is rarely noticed by the armchair coaches. That said, here are my thoughts on the first Bills game of 2009, and yes my opinions are far more accurate that the average armchair coach. Why you may ask? Shut up, that’s why.
Here are my impressions:
The offensive line? It looks like shit. In the first series I didn’t see one hole for Lynch or Jackson. I saw guards getting shoved into Edwards, and Edwards having no time to throw. They improved a bit by the second quarter. They have a little over a month to get themselves together. If they can’t; stock up on Labatt Blue, Bills Fans because its going to be a looong season, and developing a drinking problem is the only thing that’s going to ease the pain
The pass rush also looks like shit, but better than the offensive line. The Tennessee quarterbacks didn’t have all the time in the world to throw, but there was only 1 sack, and it was by the third stringers. The run defense looks slightly above average, which is an improvement.
If Reggie Corner keeps playing strong he could sneak into the nickel corner position.
Sorry Roscoe but you’re just not a big time receiver. If you can’t beat press coverage from a second string 5 foot 9 corner. You shouldn’t be starting. Hope you enjoy returning punts and playing in 4 receiver sets, shorty.
I don’t know who Bruce Hall is and I’m not going to bother looking him up. If you drop one punt in the preseason when you’re not an established starter, you probably never will be a starter.
I could not be less interested in what Tony Dungy thinks about Michael Vick. Which team of production monkeys okayed that 6 minute meandering muddle?
When I found out that Chris Mortensen’s son playing quarterback for the Titans I jokingly said to my girlfriend that it would be funny to cut to Chris’ reaction if his son fucked up. A few plays later Little Mortensen threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown, and lo and behold, the cameras actually cut to Mortensen shaking his head in disgust. I almost fell off my chair laughing.
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