Bills vs Steelers - Preseason

Final Score Steelers - 17 Bills - Crushed hopes and dreams

Today, as I sat watching the Bills game wearing my best tinfoil hat, I came to a startling revelation. If I transposed the positive and negative brain conducting nodes, on the previously mentioned tinfoil hat, I found that I could read Dick Jauron’s thoughts! I have good news to report: It’s all an illusion! The ineffective first team offense, the non improvement in the pass rush, the clusterfuck of an offensive line (they’re so bad its offensive DURR HURR!). It’s all for show, its all a scheme to throw Belichick and the Patriots* off their game in two weeks. It’s brilliant really, Jauron will have Belichick thinking that Bills will be another pushover team this year. Only this year Belichick won’t know what hit him!

Here’s what I was able to scan from Jauron’s brain before I lost the signal due to CIA interference:

- Trent Edwards is actually a terminator-style cyborg programmed to be the ultimate quarterback. He’s been adjusted to operate at a mere 16.3% effectiveness so as not arouse suspicion. Cyber-Trent will be fully operational after preseason has concluded.

- Every member of the offensive line has been mentally conditioned to be perfect killing machines. Their training will be subliminally activated by the sight of the Patriots* logo. Special precautions have been taken to avoid premature triggering.

- Aaron Maybin is actually the result of a centuries long breeding program designed to produce a flawless defensive end. The legendary Kwisatz Sack-erach.

...Hey us Bills fans have to tell ourselves something right?


Ok enough of that, lets get down to the game. Here what I thought:

-It must be nice to be a Steelers fan. Whenever the Steeler’s offense is facing a 3rd and 10, everyone knows what’s going to happen: 13 yard pass complete to Hanes Ward off a slant route.

-I know its preseason, and I know its against one of, if not the best defense in the league. But the Bills offense looks terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad. The Bills offense looks like a damn Pee-Wee league against the Steelers. There was only one First Down by the Bills first time offense. ONE FUCKING FIRST DOWN. That is just flat out pathetic.

-Jauron, its called a 3-4 defense, you’ve got a background in defense, and you’re from fucking Yale, you should be smart enough to figure out how to attack a 3-4 defense. As a so called defensive expert, you should know the weaknesses of a defense. Figure it out and figure it out quick Yalie. The Bills front office may be too clueless to fire you, but the good citizens of Buffalo just might come knocking on your door with the pitchforks and torches soon.

-The Bills might have an above average defense. There’s a chance the Bills could ride the defense to a couple 13-10 wins. But its going to take a major reversal by the offense for the Bills to have a chance of going .500 let alone make the playoffs. In the meantime I need to deal with my depression. I think I’ll go fill my bathtub with Labatt Blue and drown myself.