Bills vs Patriots Week 15

Final Score Bills – 10 Tom Bradys - 17

The Buffalo Bills have lost to the New England Tom Bradys. In other news fish still swim in the sea, there is conflict in the Middle East and corruption in Washington. Tom Brady is still a prima-donna cry-bitch. The Bills have no offensive line or quarterback, same old, same old.

At least there was a moment of comedy in this comedy of errors. Ryan Fitzpatrick was playing poorly for the past couple quarters…I mean games...I mean his whole career…Anyway Ryan was pulled from the game and former starting quarterback Trent Edwards returned triumphantly to the field. Trent played 3 downs, completed one pass for negative one yard and left the game with an in juried ankle. If there was ever a metaphor for the Bill’s woes at quarterback this was it.

I’ve reached the last stage of grieving this season; acceptance. I’m not at all disappointed that the Bills lost this game. What would winning have accomplished at this point? The Bills would have gotten a lower draft pick, the chances that there would changes in the Bills front office would have substantially dropped. The victory would have been hollow. When the Bills finally beat New England again, I want it to be in game that decides which team wins the division, or which team goes to the playoffs. I want a victory important enough for the fans to rush the field and take the goal posts down. I want a victory that will make up for six seasons of defeat, not some empty moral victory after the season is a wash. Nope, in contrast to the heart crushing, hair tearing last second defeat which should have been a historical victory for Buffalo at the start of the 2009 season, I watched this game with mild interest at best.

The news out of 1 Bills Drive is that there will be some turnover in the front office shortly after Christmas. Tom Modrak and John Guy should have fired several seasons ago. Will they finally get coal and pink slip in their stockings? We’ll see.

The Sabres

The Sabres gathered 5 points in 4 games last week, falling only to the Sabre kryptonite Ottawa Senators. The Sabres even managed to take the Penguins into overtime with Lalime of all people in net. They might have won that game with Miller in net, but that goes without saying at this point.

I’m not sure what the deal is with Ottawa, no matter how good the Sabres are and how bad the Senators are, the Sabres struggle against them. Is it psychological at this point? Do the Sabres just write these games off as a loss? I understand there was some illness running through the team the night they played the Senators which, granted is a viable excuse. The talent gap between the Senators and Sabres isn’t huge but I’d still say the Sabres are the better team. The Sabres are running out of ways to lose against the Senators. I hope they run out ways to lose fast because there’s a fair chance these two teams will be meeting in the playoffs this year.

Bills vs Chiefs Week 14

Final Score Bills - 16 Chiefs 10

Is this what a Buffalo Bills win feels like?

Low scoring and an incompetent offense? Check.

Poor run defense? Check.

The same old story for the season. Against Kansas City the Bills turned in an uninspired win. Rather that dominating an opponent defensively, or running through an opponent offensively, the Bills won simply by fucking up slightly less than the other team. The Bills won this game the same way a kid wins an art contest for 8 year olds; someone may have won but the picture they drew still sucks.

Coach Fewell is 2-2 as a head coach, the obvious question is will he be the Bills coach next season or are the Bills still committed bringing in a proven winner like Shanahan or Cowher? History indicates the Bills will go the cheap route. Prove me wrong Ralph Wilson. Please, please please prove me wrong. Also since you’re reading this can I have some money? Oh right…the cheap route.

Ok, lets put on our tinfoil hats and address the situation with the unbeaten Colts and Saints. A number of people have starting to dream of a Colts-Saints Superbowl in which both teams, still unbeaten square off. Since the NFL is ridged, (remember; tinfoil hats) I predict a different scenario. The problem with the Colt-Saints Superbowl is there isn’t an underdog. Here’s what will happen. Either the Colts or the Saints will face a wildcard playoff team from the opposing conference that peaked talent-wise at the best possible moment. Think the 2008 Giants or the 2006 Steelers. Now we have the unbeaten juggernaut vs the scrappy underdog, now we have a classic Superbowl. I’m thinking we’ll see Colts vs Packers (again; tinfoil hats)

The Sabres

This past week the Sabres beat the Capitals and the Blackhawks, two of the top teams in hockey. They even managed to beat the Blackhawks with Lalime in net. What does this mean? Are the Sabres an elite team? This past Friday I went to see the band Nico Vega. Walking from the concert I found out the Sabres had won because I was walking behind some Blackhawk fans and being drunk and loud, I could hear their conversation. The drunken Chicago fans I called the Sabres an elite team. Should we believe the drunks? I’m not ready to call the Sabres elite yet, but they’re pretty damn good.

Bills vs Jets Week 13

Final Score Bills - 13 Jets - 19

Ah yes there’s the Bills I know and love, the defense which can be counted on to give up 19 yards on a 3^rd and 15. The offense that can’t convert 3^rd downs no matter how long or short. The team that hangs around until the final minutes of the 4^th quarter only to end up blowing their last chance to win the game. Mighty Casey has a better chance of hitting a homerun than the ’09 Bills have of mounting a 4^th quarter comeback.

At least now delusional Bills fans can quit dreaming up the scenarios in which the Bills go 9-7 and stumble their way into the playoffs with the help of about 5 other teams losing just the right games. The Bills are going 5-11. 4-12 if the Colts don’t rest their starters for the playoffs.

I know it will never happen because Fewell is coaching to win, hoping to land another coaching gig, but I think the Bills should sit Terrell Owens and play James Hardy and Steve Johnson. We need to see if either of these receivers can be full time starters next year. The same goes for defensive end Chris Ellis, sit Ryan Denny and put Ellis in, see what he can do.

I watched the game in Kelly’s sports bar http://www.kellysnyc.com/ this week. Kelly’s is a hangout for displaced Buffalo natives and had both the Sabres and the Bills games on TV. It turned out to be a study in contrasts, the Sabres spanked the Canadians up and down the ice, meanwhile, the Bills got spanked in Canada.

I could have easily watched the game at home but I prefer to watch sports in the company of lots of other fans, especially in a bar. I love the characters, the loud drunk who shouts insightful coaching tips at the TV such as “Score a touchdown you fucks!” Thanks man, apparently carrying the ball across the goal line yields points in the game of football. I’ve learned something new today. I also love the angry lesbian hockey fan. Her response to a hockey fight: “Fucking kill him, make him bleed!” When the Sabres make the playoffs this year and whenever the Bills make it back to the playoffs, I’m going to a Buffalo bar to watch the game. Watching at home may be more convenient, but its more fun to live and die with a crowd of other fans

Bills vs Dolphins Week 12

Final Score Bills - 31 Dolphins - 14

No matter the state of the Bills, whether they are playoff bound or fighting for the first pick of the upcoming draft, it’s always sweet to beat the Dolphins. Even sweeter is when the Bills dominate the Dolphins by 17 points.

At this point, I’d argue that the New England Tom Bradys are the Bills’ bigger rival, but for the Bills fans, the Dolphins will always be enemy number one. The Dolphins owned our collective asses in the 70’s and 80’s, and during the 90’s the Bills turned it around and knocked the Dolphins out during the playoffs at nearly every turn. Even the cities are practically on different planets. Buffalo is cold, blue collar and Labatt Blue drinking. Miami is hot and full of beach bums and off-shore cocaine deals. This is the stuff rivalries are made of.

Two weeks under coach Fewell, and two weeks in a row that the Bills have played with some fire, they played to win and this time came out on top in convincing fashion. Do the Bills need a shake down of the front office? Without question; yes. Do the Bills need a coach change? Maybe. I’d still love to have Shanahan coaching the Bills next year, but it’s starting to look like it’d be a shame to lose Fewell, and Shanahan would almost certainly want to bring in his own defensive coordinator. When Fewell was promoted to head coach he said that, under him the Bills would play like hell to win. It seems Fewell is coaching like hell to stay head coach.

I doubt it needs to be said again for the 100^th time but Trent Edwards is done in Buffalo, and probably done as a starting quarterback. He’ll be a solid second stringer and that’s it. Speaking of position changes, Fred Jackson has no business being anything other than the starting running back for the rest of the season. Lynch may not be done in Buffalo but he’s sure playing like it.

Finally who’s this guy wearing number 81, and where was he during the first half of the season?

Some Other Games

The New England Tom Bradys got spanked by the future Super Bowl winner Saints, Once again always entertaining.

The Steelers defense is decidedly average without Troy Polomoomoo-coo-coo-ka-chu. He and his hair should retroactively named defensive MVP for the past two years.

The Sabres

After losing 4 games in a row, the Sabres have notched 3 wins although only 1 was against a quality team. Miller is probably going to single handedly carry the team into the playoffs. Behind Miller is a piece of Swiss cheese in a hockey mask though, the Sabres need to get a quality backup before the trade deadline.

Week 11 Bills vs Jaguars

Final Score Bills 15 - Jaguars - 18

Perry Fewell’s first game as a head coach could have gone worse. The Bills seemed to have a bit of fire and fight in them, but when all was said and done, the result was the same. The Bills folded in the 4th quarter, another player went on injured reverse, stupid penalties cost the Bills not one, but two touchdowns, and neither the offense nor the defense could come up with a big play when it really counted.

Eric Wood, one of the few bright spots on the Bills pitiful offense line, is out of the season and possibly for the rest of his career. His leg bent in a place without a joint. It was one of those injuries were the leg looks it turns to rubber and flops around for a second. In a word, it was ugly. At the start of the season, the Bills starting offensive line was: Bell - Left Tackle, Levitre – Left Guard, Hangartner – Center, Wood – Right Guard, Butler – Right Tackle. Of those five only Hangartner and Levitre are still starting, everyone else has been injured, and only Hangartner is still playing his orignal position. Levitre moved out to Left Tackle to fill in for the injured Bell. The majority of the Bills offensive woes can be traced back to their busted and broken offensive line. At the start of the season I thought the starting five were holding up fairly well (what little I saw of them). Butler went down in week 2 and things just went downhill from there. The worst Bills season I’ve ever seen continues to get worse with the loss of Wood, but at least there’s hope for next season.


It’s seems the Bills want Mike Shanahan, and want him bad. I think that I would prefer Bill Cowher, (I’ve always been jealous of the Steeler defense) but Mike Shanahan is a solid choice. The Bills offense is in worse shape than the defense and Shanahan is an offensively minded coach. He made Jay Cutler look like a viable quarterback. That alone seems to be a bit of miracle. If the Bills manage to nab Shanahan I wonder what happens to Perry Fewell. Fewell’s defenses have at times looked respectable, I wonder if he and Shanahan are compatible. One of the downsides to Shanahan is his defenses tend to be piss poor. I’d like to see what a Fewell defense looks like with an offense that can be actually be counted on to score at least 20 points.

Some Other Games

What the hell is going on? The Steelers lost to the Chiefs and the Bengals lost to the Raiders.?!? In the same week?!? The Browns and the Lions played in the best game of the week?!? Against each other?!?! At least the Buccaneers didn’t beat the Saints, otherwise that would be sure sign of the end times.

The Sabres

The Sabres had the week off, unfortunately they still had play three games.

Dick Jauron Fired

Ok, while I'm happy Dick Jauron is out of Buffalo, I have to ask the question; why now? Why not at the bye week or at the end of the season? Why not last season? The timing makes almost no sense.

Perry Fewell, the Bills defensive coordinator is taking over as interim head coach. I'll be real surprised if he does anything of note. In the meantime, Bill Cowher, Marty Schottenheimer, and Mike Shanahan are all avalible. Go get one of them.

Bills vs Titans Week 10

Final Score Bills 17 Titans 41

Another loss, another step closer to end of the season, the end of Jauron and another step toward a top 5 pick in the draft.

One of the few things Jauron has going for him is that he’s player’s coach. Teams love to play for him and unite around him. Except now that seems to reversing itself. Rumor has it that Terrell Owens and Josh Reed went to their position coach complaining that Trent Edwards wasn’t making his reads correctly. Trent was pulled from the game late after throwing a game ending interception. It looks like the Bills will be burning yet another draft pick on a Quarterback. It’s a good thing they don’t have other needs to address, except for an Offensive Tackle…and a Defensive Tackle….and at least two Linebackers.

I’ll say this, at least the Bills aren’t building up your hopes just to let you down. It’s impossible to have any emotional investment in this team. My mental health isn’t endangered every Sunday. The flip side of this is that I’ve run out of things to write about the Bills this week. It’s hard to make an unemotional rant.

Some other games

I will never get tried of watching the New England Tom Bradys lose. Yes New England got screwed on the ball spot when they tried to convert that 4th and 2 in the final minute of the game, but it’s also illegal to touch the New England Tom Bradys’ quarterback (whoever that is), so it all evens out.

What the hell is going on in Cincinnati? The Bengals are good? The Bengals are leading their division? My brain is confused. Oh god, I’m jealous of the Bengals. That’s what being a Bills is about these days; being jealous of the friggin Bengals.

The Sabres

Ahh, the Sabres are like a breath of fresh air. Last week they netted 6 out of 6 points, they went toe to toe with two bigger, generally more physical teams in the Flames and the Flyers. I was especially pleased to see the Sabres beat the Flyers, not only did they avenge an ugly 5-2 loss from two weeks ago, but they beat the Flyers one day after beating the Flames. The Sabres could have easily phoned that game in. 4 points out of 3 games ain’t bad.

Its easy to get emotionally invested in the Sabres because they play like they actually give a shit about winning. That’s the biggest difference between the Sabres and the other professional sports team in Buffalo.

Bills vs Texans Week 8

Final Score Bills - 10 Texans - 31

“Oh, I think the whole thing falls on me. I take full responsibility for it."

This is what Dick Jauron had to say about the worse offense I have ever seen the Buffalo Bills field in my 20 some years of watching football.

At least he’s not passing the buck.

When I started this blog my intention was to write in the persona of an over-excitable fan, a loss would mean that the Bills worst team in the history of football, and a victory would mean the Bills are going to Superbowl, I wanted every shortcoming and improvement to be greatly exaggerated. Apparently the fates conspired against me, because I’ve run out of ways to exaggerate how bad this Bills offense is. If it wasn’t for Byrd getting two interceptions a game I think the Bills would be 1-7 rather than 3-5.

The bye week is upon us, if the Bills front office was going to change coaches, it’s going to be now or the end of the season. Long term I think its better to wait for the end of the season. If the Bills change coaches this week, we’ll have Bobby April as the new coach. He might be an ok coach but I I’d rather wait and get the best offensively-minded coach on the market; something that would be difficult to pull off in a bye-week.

The Bills need to learn a new offensive system in the off-season. Their current one? That needs to be buried, the ground salted, then destroyed with an underground bomb and anything left over should be shot into space, preferably in the direction of the sun.

It’s hard to be a Bills fan these days. The Bills have ranged from mediocre to flat out pathetic for the past 10 years. Beyond fan loyality there’s not much reason to watch them. Especially this season the games are boring. The offense stumbles around the field with the killer instinct of a dying cat, and the defense putts up a good fight but dies a long painful death. The only positive will be that once the Bills improve and get back to the playoffs it will be all the sweeter for having suffered through these past seasons.

Bills vs Panthers Week 7

Final Score Bills - 20 Panthers - 9

Two weeks ago I thought the Bills would be finishing the season 2-14 with a top 5 draft pick in hand. Now, it looks like another 7-9 season, oh boy. If past history is indication the Bills will get to .500 at some point in the season and once again they’ll tease us Bills fans. They’ll trick us into thinking that maybe, just maybe the team is good enough to steal the 6^th playoff seed and lose a wildcard game.

The Good

Jarius Byrd nabbed two interceptions for the second game in a row. He has 5 on the season, good for second most in the NFL so far this year. Byrd is slowly building a case for defensive rookie of the year.

The Bills defense was stingy on points for the third game in a row. In the past three games they’ve allowed 28 total points. If the Bills offense ever decides to start scoring points and sustaining drives the Bills could quickly become a dangerous team.

The Bad

Guess what’s still bad? The offense (shocking I know). Blah blah, the offensive line still can’t run block. Blah blah the Quarterback still sucks. The current problems the Bills have are the same problems they had in 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005 etcetera. Same old, same old.

Terrell Owens has yet to do anything of note outside of the Tampa Bay game. He drops passes that hit him on the hands, he doesn’t adjust to the ball, he doesn’t fight for balls. Come on Terrell, you’re only on the Bills for a year, unless you start showing some effort you’re going to wind up in the CFL next year, or worse; on the Raiders.

The Sabres

The good team from Buffalo finished their trip to America’s wang (Florida) with a pair of balls, I mean wins. (Penis humor is the highest form of humor). The overtime win in Tampa Bay was especially exciting, a tying goal with less than 20 seconds left in the game, and then the winning shootout goal coming from the other hot rookie in Buffalo Tyler Myer. There is no way Myer is getting sent back to the junior league. If he is, the Fire Dick Jauron billboard will be replaced with a Fire Darcy Regier.

Bills vs Jets Week 6

Final Score Bills - 16 Jets - 13

Well that was fun. It was one of the ugliest wins in recent Bills history but a win still feels better than a loss. Do the Bills still need a new coach, a new quarterback, improved run defense and a new right tackle? Yes, but its still better to have those problems and win than to have those problems and lose.

The Good

It looks like the Bills nailed a draft pick with Jairus Byrd the rookie free safety. Byrd was brought to the Bills to be a ball hawk (durr hurr Byrd is a ball hawk), and he has 3 interceptions in the past 2 games. Not too shabby.

The Bad

The Bills run defense allowed over 300 yards on the ground alone. The last time a team allowed that many running yards and still won was in 1944. We were still fighting World War 2 for all you history buffs out there.

I know this isn’t a news flash or anything but Trent Edwards is officially injury-prone. He has yet to play an NFL season without missing some games. Trent is making Chad Pennington look like a tough guy.

On a related note a handful of Bill fans were calling on 2^nd string QB Ryan Fitzpatrick to start in place of Edwards. Well we’ve seen what that looks like; not much different than Edwards. Once again its time for the Bills to look for a new Quarterback. Instead of drafting one I wonder if the Bills would better off stealing a Quarterback from the CFL. He’d already be developed and we know he’d be able to play in the cold. The last time the Bills tried this was with Doug Flute it worked out fairly well, and would have worked out better had Wade Phillips not mismanaged Flute and Rob Johnson.

Some other games

Fuck Tom Brady and the New England Tom Bradys. What a bunch of assholes running up the score 59 to 0. You can’t call off dogs when you’re up 30 to 0? Please football gods, punish the New England Tom Bradys again for their out of control fuckary.

The Raiders beat the Eagles? How many human sacrifices to the Dark Lord Morlock were made to make than happen?

The Sabres

On Friday the Sabres and Islanders matched the score of the Bills-Browns game last Sunday, Except this time the team from Buffalo came out on top 6 to 3. Just throwing that out there.

Against Atlanta on Saturday the Sabres mailed a game in. They put Lalime in net which is like spotting the opposing team a goal before the puck even drops. While watching the game I was ready to put all the blame on Lalime for the lose, but after watching a few replays its clear the defense didn’t do Lalime any favors. At least 2 of the Thrashers 4 goals were pretty much unstoppable. Ryan Miller might have stolen 1 or 2 of the other goals but still, you can’t leave your goalie out to dry like the Sabres did on Saturday.

Bills vs Browns Week 5

Final Score Bills – 3 Browns – 6

Two passes for 23 yards.

That’s all it takes to beat the Bills these days. This game was comically bad, in the same vein as Battlefield Earth. Watching this game reminded me of The Mighty Ducks and the assorted copy cat films. In the beginning of those movies the protagonist teams miss passes, run into walls and hold their equipment together with duct tape. That’s what I thought of watching the Bills and Browns. A bunch of 12 year olds running to walls with duct tape stuck to their asses.

I’ve been watching football for over 20 years and while I can’t remember too many games from when I was 7 years old. I also can’t remember seeing such a poor performance by both teams

The Good

Umm…it’s not exactly good, but it was kinda funny the second time the Bills got a false start penalty from their own one yard line and the refs had to move the ball back 18 inches.

The Bad

This Bills team continues to raise the inaptitude bar. How will they top themselves next week? Short of Buffalo center Geoff Hangartner lining up backwards and snapping the ball to the Jets’ defensive tackle I can’t think of another way.

I watched this game in a bar in Baltimore and traveled back to New York City as soon as the game was over, a 3 ½ hour trip. When I got home I checked ESPN and saw that Jauron wasn’t fired yet. What is taking so long?

In 5 weeks the Bills have lost 3 middle linebackers. Spinal Tap drummers have a longer life expectancy.

While it’s lazy to finish this section off by writing that the entire team sucks, it’s still true. The Bills flat out suck. This is worst team I can remember the Bills fielding. Even the Rob Johnson days were better.

Some other games

It’s the end of week 5 and I’ve already turned to the Sabres for my Buffalo sports fix. 3 games into the season and they’ve got 5 of the available 6 points. The team seems to believe in their coach and their system. Ryan Miller is robbing the opposing team of goals left and right, and the team is pointing a somewhat impressive number of shots on net.

What is up with the Bengals? They’re leading their division and have beaten each team in their division once already. There’s a good chance either the Steelers or Ravens will miss the playoffs this year courtesy of a team that was 4 and 11 last year.

Bills vs Dolphins Week 4

Final Score Bills 10 – Dolphins 38

The amazing non-scoring offense of Buffalo continued its national circus tour this week with an utterly pathetic effort against the dreaded Dolphins. On a side note I prefer the Bills lose like this rather than lose like they did in New England. Against the Tom Bradys The Bills fought hard, played well and played with heart, and as a fan I got wrapped up emotionally seeing that effort, so it was much more crushing to see them come up short. Against the Dolphins, The Bills played like they didn’t care if they won or lost, therefore I didn’t care if they won or lost either.

The Good

Buffalo returned kickoffs well.

The Bad

Where do I even start? The offensive line handled the Miami defense the same way a white picket fence handles and oncoming tank. They didn’t run block, they didn’t pass block, they didn’t even earn their plane tickets out of Miami let alone their paycheck this week.

Trent Edwards looked flat out awful and threw 3 interceptions. Its hard to blame him, just about anyone would look bad playing behind that offensive line. Still, I’ll be surprised if Edwards is the Bills starting quarterback next year. The search for Jim Kelly’s replacement has entered year 13.

The Buffalo run defense was completely demolished. They allowed 250 running yards. If a defense gives up half that number it’s considered a bad day.

Dick Jauron

Jauron gets his own section this week because he was too terrible to go in The Bad section. The question with Jauron has become if - not when will he be fired. Nothing short of a playoff spot this year could save his job, and as it stands now, he’ll be lucky to win 4 more games. There are 3 superior coaches without a team right now. Marty Schottenheimer, Bill Cowher, and Jon Gruden. Any one of these three stands a good chance of turning the team around. Of the three I think Jon Gruden is the likeliest choice. He’s familiar with the style of defense the Bills run and he’s likely to be the cheapest, which will appeal to Ralph Wilson the most.

Bobby April the Bills special teams coach another likely candidate. If Jauron gets fired midseason (if it happens, it’ll happen in the bi-week) Bobby April takes over. If Jauron doesn’t get fired until the end of the season, April’s chances at becomes head coach diminish.

I’m not sold on the idea of April as head coach. I’ve seen enough of coordinators getting their first coaching job with the Bills. The last thing we need is another Greg Williams or Mike Mularkey.

On a final note the Sabres lost their first game of the season in overtime. But at least the Sabres made it to overtime. The Bills didn’t even make it to the second half this week.

Bills vs Saints Week 3

Final Score Bills - 7 Saints - 27

Ah yes, there's the Bills offense we saw in the preseason. The one that can't score to save the life of a single puppy. After 2 decent performances in 2 weeks the Bills offense tripped and broke their collective balls.

The Good

Every loss brings us one step closure to the end of the Jauron era.

The defense held what was the most prolific offense this year in check for 3 ½ quarters. If the offense at any point during the game had quit playing grab-ass the Bills would have had a real shot at winning.

The Bad

Ok this section is going to be long.

Punting on 4^th and 1 down 17-7 with 7 minutes left in the game, this has to be at the top of the list. What a gutless call. By punting Jauron is basically throw up his hands and saying “fuck it”. By punting Jauron is telling both the Bills and the Saints “I give up” Does Marv Levy, Bill Cowher, Bill Parcells or Bill Belichick make that same call? No chance. (Hmm it seems having the name Bill makes you a good coach, the Bills need a Bill).

Fred Jackson, Lee Evans and Terrell Owens. The three major offensive weapons the Bills have. Between the three of them they put up 118 total yards. That is a grim statistic.

The Bills offense was 2 for 14 on 3^rd downs and did not make it inside the red zone once the whole game.

The Bills were penalized 12 times for 116 yards. 2 yards less that Jackson Evans and Owens gained.

The offense line, which looked good especially because of it inexperience was exposed this game. They couldn’t run block, they couldn’t pass block. If I’m a single guy hitting the bars, I’m bringing a Buffalo offensive lineman as my wingman because he probably can’t cock block either. To top it all off, the center snapped the ball at Edwards feet three times in a row.

Next week the Bills play a 0-3 Miami team which could easily be 2-1. This is a must win game for the Bills so I expect the worse. Excuse me now, I’m going to go mix medication in an effort to wash the bad taste of this game from my mouth. It might work, and I might wake up 3 days later with no pants on the streets of an unrecognizable city. Either way it’ll be better than having to sit through another game like this.

Bills vs Buccaneers - Week 2

Final Score Bills - 33 Buccaneers - 20

Week 2 and the Bills beat a team they were supposed to beat. That said, I was glad to see the Bills come out and perform relatively well after losing in the final minutes to the New England Tom Bradys. The Bills could have easily rolled over and died after that Monday Night game. Instead they came out firing and put up 17 points (7 of which came from a defensive touchdown) before the 1st quarter was over. Despite the performance drop off in the 2nd and 3rd quarter. The Bills had the game in the bag at the end of the 1st and were on cleanup duty for the rest of the game.

The Good

The No Huddle offense is still a work in progress, but it continues to show flashes. The offense slowed down during the middle of the game but played well enough in the 4th to put the game out of reach for Tampa Bay.

Fred Jackson, you may have just run Marshawn Lynch down to the second spot on the depth chart. 163 yards on the ground and another 25 through the air. Jackson is money. Give the Bills front office a pat on the back for signing Fred to a decent contact in the off-season.

The offense line, dare I say it looks average. It is not a worst in the league as some experts were predicting. It is not the 5 man grab-ass club I saw in preseason. This O-line is decidedly average. Which, I think is high praise for 2 rookies, a 2nd stringer from another team and a 7th round draft pick who didn’t even play football a few years ago.

During the preseason I thought I was seeing phantoms. I might be going crazy. I was seeing something I haven’t seen in a long time. The Bills defense was defending the run well. Here we are two games into the season and the Bills are still defending the run well. Hmm, maybe crazy isn’t so bad.

The Bad

Injuries continue to hit the Bills hard. Leodis “The Fumble” McKelvin went down at some point. I must have been getting another beer at the time because I missed what happened. Brad Butler, the Bills’ right tackle limped to the sidelines and Derek Schouman, who let the Bills in receiving was carted off with a busted knee.

The Bills continue to shit the bed in the red zone. The offense took 3 trips inside the 20 and came away with 3 field goals and a fumble. Their two touchdowns came from nicely thrown long balls to Evans and Owens. I know I just got done humping Fred Jackson, but I think the Bills red zone efficiency will improve once Marshawn Lynch is back. A handoff to Lynch is almost a sure thing inside the 10. Especially if the offensive line continues to improve.

Owens

Its funny. I hated Owens least year. He was a loudmouth ass-hat from the fucking Cowboys, the biggest ass-hat team in the whole league. Yet this year I’m glad to have him on my team. Suddenly I love his passion and his fire. I hope his swagger and will to win rubs off in the locker room. I guess this, more than anything is prove that I’m a Bills homer.

Some of the Other Games

I was torn watching the Jets - Tom Bradys game. On one hand its always a pleasure to watch Tom Brady and the New England Tom Bradys lose. On the flip side, the Jets defense looks hard as a rock, and Sanchez doesn’t look he’s going to be too much of a fuckup either. It could get very ugly when the Bills go head to head with them.

I feel for Steelers fans. It really sucks ass when your return man fumbles away a chance to win the game. Shit, I’m still not over the Monday Night game.

Both the Rams and Redskins are doomed. The final score was 7-9. 7-9 is not a football score, 7-9 is an out of control hockey or baseball score. For putting up such a boring game I hereby damn both teams to 7 and 9 records. Rams and Skins fans, you are all doomed! DOOOMED!.

Bills vs Patriots Week 1

Final Score Bills – 24 Patriots - 25

3 Monday night games in 3 years. And 3 hard fought yet supremely heartbreaking losses. 3 losses in which the Bills weren’t even beaten by the other team but beaten by themselves. In this case, an inexcusable fumble by Leodis McKevlin, a last minute collapse by a defense that otherwise looked solid and a ramshackle offensive line at held up much better than I expected until the last 40 seconds of the game. Celino and Barnes could probably successful sue the Bills for mental and emotional damages on behalf of Bills fans everywhere at this point.

The Good

The good news is that Bills, for the first time in years, proved that they are up to the task of beating the Patriots on of the best teams of the decade and, the key to making it make into the playoffs.

The no huddle offense looks much better than it did in the preseason. This comes with game planning and I hope better play calling by Alex Van Pelt. Van Pelt, the former Bills quarterback was one of those smart players who almost always knew where to go with the ball and how to attack a defense. He wasn’t a success in the league because he lacked the physical tools to make the tough throws you need to make in the NFL. It’s hard to judge after one game but with Van Pelt calling the plays the offense looks serviceable.

The pass rush looks to be much improved. They were able to get pressure on Brady (the key to beating that supermodel fucker) is to hit him early and often. Sadly, when the Bills needed a drive killing sack in the final minutes of the fourth quarter, they couldn’t come up with it.

The Bad

Special Teams, the one thing the Bills have been constantly good at for years, looked terrible. Two fumbles on kickoff returned, (one of which almost certainly lost the game for the Bills) poor return coverage and below average punting.

Can the Bills please, please, please not play their cornerbacks 10 yards off the receivers? Especially when all Brady wants and needs to do to win is toss 8 yard hook and slant routes to drive down the field and win?

The Bills receivers had a number of drops, most of which seemed to come on 3rd downs. Convert those downs and the game could have ended very differently

The Patriot Fans

I really hate Patriot fans. A lot of them are fair weather fans that probably couldn’t tell you who played quarterback for the Patriots before Bledsoe. Early in the first quarter when the Bills were up 7-0 the ESPN camera panned over the stands and every fan had a sourpuss face like they were down 21-0 and the schoolyard bully just stole their bag of gummy worms. Get over it you pussies. God I wish the Bills had won that game. The Bills fans would have appreciated the win 10 times as much.

The Announcers

I’m thinking of becoming an ESPN announcer and I’ve been practicing my chatter. Tell me what you think:

Me - “Oh my GOD Tom Brady is a sexy slice of man-beef. Just looking at him sets my loins aquiver. Oh man, did you see him throw a 4 yard pass, I think my nipples are getting hard. I don’t know about you Ron but after this game I plan on hiding in the bushes behind Tom Brady’s house and touching myself”

Ron – “I’ll make you a deal, why don’t with both go hide behind the bushes. We can both wear Tom Brady jerseys and cup each others balls”

Me – “ I like your thinking”

This is the upcoming season in a picture.

The Bills have fired their offensive coordinator 10 days before the season opener with the Patriots* A move like this does not bode well. This season has long and painful written all over it.

In my very first post I said that Bills fans might need to stock up on Labatt Blue to make it through the season. Well today the Bills removed any ambiguity. If you're a Bills fan, you WILL need booze to make it through the season. If you play your cards right, by December, your liver will be broken but your heart won't be. Remember, there's nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.

Bills vs Steelers - Preseason

Final Score Steelers - 17 Bills - Crushed hopes and dreams

Today, as I sat watching the Bills game wearing my best tinfoil hat, I came to a startling revelation. If I transposed the positive and negative brain conducting nodes, on the previously mentioned tinfoil hat, I found that I could read Dick Jauron’s thoughts! I have good news to report: It’s all an illusion! The ineffective first team offense, the non improvement in the pass rush, the clusterfuck of an offensive line (they’re so bad its offensive DURR HURR!). It’s all for show, its all a scheme to throw Belichick and the Patriots* off their game in two weeks. It’s brilliant really, Jauron will have Belichick thinking that Bills will be another pushover team this year. Only this year Belichick won’t know what hit him!

Here’s what I was able to scan from Jauron’s brain before I lost the signal due to CIA interference:

- Trent Edwards is actually a terminator-style cyborg programmed to be the ultimate quarterback. He’s been adjusted to operate at a mere 16.3% effectiveness so as not arouse suspicion. Cyber-Trent will be fully operational after preseason has concluded.

- Every member of the offensive line has been mentally conditioned to be perfect killing machines. Their training will be subliminally activated by the sight of the Patriots* logo. Special precautions have been taken to avoid premature triggering.

- Aaron Maybin is actually the result of a centuries long breeding program designed to produce a flawless defensive end. The legendary Kwisatz Sack-erach.

...Hey us Bills fans have to tell ourselves something right?


Ok enough of that, lets get down to the game. Here what I thought:

-It must be nice to be a Steelers fan. Whenever the Steeler’s offense is facing a 3rd and 10, everyone knows what’s going to happen: 13 yard pass complete to Hanes Ward off a slant route.

-I know its preseason, and I know its against one of, if not the best defense in the league. But the Bills offense looks terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad. The Bills offense looks like a damn Pee-Wee league against the Steelers. There was only one First Down by the Bills first time offense. ONE FUCKING FIRST DOWN. That is just flat out pathetic.

-Jauron, its called a 3-4 defense, you’ve got a background in defense, and you’re from fucking Yale, you should be smart enough to figure out how to attack a 3-4 defense. As a so called defensive expert, you should know the weaknesses of a defense. Figure it out and figure it out quick Yalie. The Bills front office may be too clueless to fire you, but the good citizens of Buffalo just might come knocking on your door with the pitchforks and torches soon.

-The Bills might have an above average defense. There’s a chance the Bills could ride the defense to a couple 13-10 wins. But its going to take a major reversal by the offense for the Bills to have a chance of going .500 let alone make the playoffs. In the meantime I need to deal with my depression. I think I’ll go fill my bathtub with Labatt Blue and drown myself.

Bills vs Packers - Preseason

Final Score Bills 21 - Packers 31

I didn’t watch this game live. A good friend is moving to Colorado and Saturday night was the going away party. Sending a friend off in style (i.e with numerous and various drinks) is a bit more important than watching the Bills lose a preseason game. My impressions of the game will therefore be generalized and vague.

Part of being a Bills fans is overreacting with every win and loss, and this was one ugly loss. Based off this one loss, I’m sure the Bills won’t win more than 4 games this year. Yet, if the Bills beat the Steelers next week; I’ll be convinced that the Bills can’t lose more than 4 games this year. This is the emotional roller coaster that Bills fans are stuck on.

The general consensus is that Packers had at least half a game plan for this game and the Bills were in a pure vanilla mode. There is some debate as to if teams should game plan for preseason games. On one hand teams don’t want to revel to much of what their plans might be for the year, thus making it easier to counter those plans. On the other hand, practicing beyond the basics leads to better execution of plays during the regular season. I’m going to lie and say I know which approach is better than the other, but I do know that game planing beat vanilla mode 98% of the time.

I’m concerned that the Bills starting offense has yet to score a touchdown this year. As John Madden might say: “The team that scores the most point is usually the team that wins the game”. Thus, scoring touchdowns is generally more important than field goals. Now, I’ve shouted at my TV on numerous occasions that a touchdown is worth, on average 3 more points than a field goal, but clearly I have not been shouting loud enough because neither the Bills starting offense nor the coaching staff hast gotten the message.

As for the coaching staff, its pretty much common knowledge that if Jauron doesn’t produce a winning team this season he’s going to be looking for a new job. I wonder if Jauron, Yale graduate that he is, is smart enough to know that he needs to change his coaching style to get the playoffs. Jauron’s style will take a 3-13 team and turn it into a competitive 7-9 team, but he doesn’t seem to be able to make the leap from average to great, or even good.

Bills vs Bears - Preseason

Final Score Bills - 27 Bears -20

The second Bills pre-season game is said and done, and we got our second, albeit brief look at the first team no-huddle offense. The no huddle offense looks decent and it was good to see the first team offense get at least a full quarter of practice in. Sometimes I forgot why more teams don’t run the no huddle offense. They I remember that if your no huddle offense isn’t clicking they’ll be off the field in less than a minute, essentially making your defense run a damn marathon every week. Thankfully there was only two 3 and outs that I noticed.

Here are my impressions:

-Trent Edward looks good. He completed 100% of his passes and threw it 10 times. Not to mince words but that’s fucking good. The only knock against him this game was he wasn’t able to put it in the endzone. We’ll see if that improves with game planing.

-The Offensive line looks better but they still don’t look great or even good. However, Eric Wood looks like the real deal. He’s the kind of guard that likes to break a Defensive End’s legs and laugh about it. Eric Wood is a professional bad-ass and he’s still just a rookie. In 3 or 4 years I think the Bills will be able to run behind Wood at will. I can see it now. The Bills Quarterback will look over the opposing defense and shout “Hey, we’re running through the B gap, try and stop it.”And then Wood puts another Strong-side linebacker on injured reserve after a 5 yard gain.

-Even though it was against the second team defense, Ryan Fitzpatrick looks better than I thought he would be. He’s not a physically gifted quarterback, but he is smart, and running the no huddle allows him to use his head to beat defenses instead of his arm.
-Aaron Maybin can’t get signed fast enough. It remains to be seen if Maybin is the answer to the Bills piss poor pass rush, but its pretty obvious that Chris Kelsay isn’t the answer The man makes every Offensive Tackle he goes against look like Anthony Muñoz. Somewhat related; Defensive End Chris Ellis is making a strong case for playing time during the regular season.

-Leodis McKelvin was a great draft pick. He looks ready to be an interception machine, especially because McKelvin is probably going to face more passes with McGee shutting down the other side of the field.

-Am I crazy or do the Bills suddenly know how to defend the run?

Hope springs eternal in August and September, especially for Bills fans. Right now, at least the Bills gave their fans a reason to hope beyond blind fan loyalty.

Bills vs Titans - Hall of Fame Game

Final Score Bills - 18 Titans - 21

Here we are, the start of another Bills season. Ok fine, its only preseason but I’ll take it. It’s been 9 long months since the last Bills game I saw. The Bills lost that game while I sat in the nose bleed section of the Ralph while the four thousand mile an hour December winds bent the goal posts and removed any chance of feeling warm until springtime.

The real season doesn’t start for another month, but preseason games are a passable appetizer before the main course arrives. It gives the armchair coaches a chance to watch undrafted rookies, swear that a rookie is the next Andre Reed, and later condemn the Bills front office for cutting them. The fact that the same rookies later spend 2 years on the Steelers’ practice squad is rarely noticed by the armchair coaches. That said, here are my thoughts on the first Bills game of 2009, and yes my opinions are far more accurate that the average armchair coach. Why you may ask? Shut up, that’s why.

Here are my impressions:

The offensive line? It looks like shit. In the first series I didn’t see one hole for Lynch or Jackson. I saw guards getting shoved into Edwards, and Edwards having no time to throw. They improved a bit by the second quarter. They have a little over a month to get themselves together. If they can’t; stock up on Labatt Blue, Bills Fans because its going to be a looong season, and developing a drinking problem is the only thing that’s going to ease the pain

The pass rush also looks like shit, but better than the offensive line. The Tennessee quarterbacks didn’t have all the time in the world to throw, but there was only 1 sack, and it was by the third stringers. The run defense looks slightly above average, which is an improvement.

If Reggie Corner keeps playing strong he could sneak into the nickel corner position.

Sorry Roscoe but you’re just not a big time receiver. If you can’t beat press coverage from a second string 5 foot 9 corner. You shouldn’t be starting. Hope you enjoy returning punts and playing in 4 receiver sets, shorty.

I don’t know who Bruce Hall is and I’m not going to bother looking him up. If you drop one punt in the preseason when you’re not an established starter, you probably never will be a starter.

I could not be less interested in what Tony Dungy thinks about Michael Vick. Which team of production monkeys okayed that 6 minute meandering muddle?

When I found out that Chris Mortensen’s son playing quarterback for the Titans I jokingly said to my girlfriend that it would be funny to cut to Chris’ reaction if his son fucked up. A few plays later Little Mortensen threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown, and lo and behold, the cameras actually cut to Mortensen shaking his head in disgust. I almost fell off my chair laughing.